February 2, 2010

Embracing Ease

In part one and two of this series, I shared with you about my perception of what true love is, and about safety and trust, the foundation of true love. In this blog, I’d like to share with you about my experience of the next step up on the true love pyramid: freedom and ease.

Freedom is where it begins, freedom within yourself to let go of worry and expectation about your relationships. The trouble with worry is that it isn’t productive. All it does is use up a lot of my energy and make me miserable in the present while I worry about the future. Expectation is no better, leading me to feel resentment about anything someone does that isn’t what I had wanted them to do. But the worst part for me is the suffering that goes along with worry and expectation, this whole swampy boggy place where I can wind up torturing myself about how the other person is behaving.

What I notice is two things: 1. I feel better when I don’t worry 2. Worrying about the relationship usually makes the relationship worse, not better.

Sometimes to let go I imagine my thoughts are like little biodegradable balloons, floating off into the atmosphere until they snag on something and pop. Other times, when a worry is too big for that method, I write it on a piece of paper and give it over to Spirit. Lately I like to insert that piece of paper into the Godseye dangling from my rearview mirror. The Godseye is a simple weaving that I made this year on my birthday to remind me that I am asking Spirit to help me manifest EASE in my life. It’s been about a month, and so far every problem or worry I have put there has resolved itself within a week, with a lot of EASE. Once that resolution happens, I burn the paper, offering thanks to Spirit for bringing an easy and serene solution.

Once I put those pieces of paper in there, or send those balloons off into the sky, I do my best to remember to breathe to bring myself fully into the present moment, where everything is ok. I do my best to appreciate the beauty of a sunset or the sound of birds singing outside my window. I meditate on Spirit’s plan and surrendering to that so I can let go. And then I get my mind off of the situation by playing. I play games, read books, dance, hula hoop. I cultivate a state of mind where I am a little child again. And then I realize that rather than focusing on THEM, I need to focus on my own life, and my own happiness. I remember that other people are not responsible for my happiness, That is MY job.

If I can do all this, really let go, then tremendous ease comes into the relationship. I no longer have any worry or expectations about that person that are getting in the way of my connection with them. Now admittedly some connections will be more easeful than others, because there is also that little issue of compatibility. It’s hard to be in relationship with someone if you don’t want the same things from that relationship. It is also hard to play with someone if you don’t like to play in the same ways. And it’s incredibly hard to communicate effectively if you don’t have the same communication styles. For me, part of true love is both partners being able to talk about things that matter to them and to be listened to and understood. But it is also about sharing time together doing things that feel good and refresh both of us.

In the end it boils down to this. If I want Ease in my relationships, then I have to cultivate it within myself. Just as trust in relationship grows from cultivating an inner safety, ease comes from cultivating inner freedom.To create an easy and playful relationship with another, you have to create an easy and playful relationship with yourself. If you have ease, and you have trust, then you are ready to open your hearts to unconditional love with each other. Kypris, Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness”.

Yabyummy is a tantric temple that provides a clear path to gain sexual wholeness through safe tantric events, and our learn at home products such as yoni massage, lingam massage and tantric massage videos. We are committed to unifying sexuality with spirituality and spirituality with sexuality for growth minded men, women and couples.

February 2, 2010

How Do I Trust?

In part one of this series, I shared with you about my perception of what true love is, and the four components of true love. In this blog, I’d like to tell you more about the foundation of the true love pyramid: trust and safety.

In my experience, trust is something that I establish with another person, and I can really only trust another person if I trust myself. For me, this ability to trust that I can take care of myself feels like safety. Safety is something that I create for myself through grounding, working my spiritual practice, releasing negative emotions, and being in my truth.

There are many ways that I can ground myself, but my favorites are exercise, proper nutrition and sleep. Sleep in particular is really important to me. Without it I feel off-balance, and I find that my decisions and judgment aren’t as good as they could be. When I was a new mother with a baby I got my first taste of how much a lack of sleep could throw me off balance. It was really hard to concentrate on anything, or to make a decision. Not only was my head fuzzy, but my body was always on the edge of exhaustion, sapping my physical strength and my immune system. When I was that tired, I felt really unsafe, and my fear leached into my relationship with my husband, creating a lot of demands on him that were a little bit unreasonable. When we hired a nanny and I started napping more and then taking one night a week to sleep in, life got easier, and the tension in my relationship eased.

My spiritual practice and continuing connection to Spirit also helps to keep me feeling safe. Knowing that Spirit is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to guide me helps me to relax and realize that if I follow the guidance of Spirit, if I really cultivate the art of listening, that I’m safe. Just today, for example, I was driving back into San Diego from a weekend away, and I was feeling impatient because most of the traffic was going a lot slower than I wanted it to, and I was worried about getting to work on time. As I was feeling that impatience, a voice in my head said, “This car in front of you is a guardian angel keeping you safe. Relax and slow down. All is well.”. Not too long after that, traffic on the freeway suddenly stopped. When I passed the scene of the trouble that had slowed the traffic I saw a very nasty accident with many cars involved and people on stretchers by the side of the road. I clearly understood that if I hadn’t been held up by this one particular car on my drive down, that one of those people on the stretcher could easily have been me. I notice that the more I do my daily practice, the more that Spirit guides me in that way, and puts those quiet thoughts in my head.

When we come to relationship and begin to build trust, it’s important to bring in this same connection to Spirit, to really listen to what feels right to you. In the past I always started relationships with sexual attraction and connection, connecting at the second chakra, rather than getting to know the person first to see if I felt safe with them. I would notice behavior that didn’t feel safe to me, and just keep on having a relationship. For example, in the past my pattern was to choose men who were unavailable to me emotionally, either due to drug or alcohol use, or to some other form of emotional wound. I was like a hunter-seeker missile, I could identify these targets at a distance, and I would zoom in to make that old familiar connection. Then I would wonder why I kept having the same disappointing experience over and over again. As I healed from this pattern, it became really clear that I needed to retune my tracking system so that it would no longer target those men, but at first it was hard to be sure that the reprogramming had worked. So I faked it a little by taking more time to know my potential partners before getting sexual with them.

I learned instead to look at the behavior my partners were showing. Did they respect my boundaries and stay in integrity with me? I remember the first time I was ever in a relationship where a man respected my boundaries, because another pattern of mine was to choose men who would push at me until I caved in and did what they wanted, whether it was having sex with them or going to some event I didn’t want to attend, or doing some household chore that I didn’t like. In one relationship I was in, my partner repeatedly interrupted my meditation time even though the door was closed and I had specifically asked him not to interrupt me. So when I had a new experience of saying no to a man that I’d been in relationship with for a while, and hearing him say “ok” without any real upset about it, I was shocked. I hadn’t really known such a thing was possible. Later I learned that not only was it possible, it was healthy.

Once I am feeling a big yes to a potential partner’s behavior, and seeing that I also am able to stay in healthy behavior with them, I start to feel trust. For me that trust has to evolve over time, like the unfolding of a rosebud into a full and glorious scented flower. Once you arrive at that place of trust, and the foundation is built, you can move forward to explore the question of your feelings for each other, and the possibility that those can grow into unconditional love.

Kypris, Dakini and Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness, The Six Gateways to Tantric Sexuality”.

Yabyummy, is a love and intimacy school devoted to sharing with you our straightforward steps for bringing more peace, love and passion into your life and the lives of those around you. Kypris, Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness”.

Yabyummy is a tantric temple that provides a clear path to gain sexual wholeness through safe tantric events, and our learn at home products such as yoni massage, lingam massage and tantric massage videos. We are committed to unifying sexuality with spirituality and spirituality with sexuality for growth minded men, women and couples.

February 2, 2010

What is True Love?

In my journey along the tantric path, I have spent a lot of time exploring love–what it is and what it isn’t. In my own life I have found that the most important thing about true love, is that it covers all the bases–it is a love that contains all the aspects of romantic relationship that I need to have a whole and complete partnership with another person.

In thinking about how to share this knowledge, I realized that I could easily describe a full and satisfying relationship using the spiritual language of the four elements. If I have the highest expression of each element in my romantic relationships, then I have true love. This idea is backed up by psychologist Richard Sternberg, who proposed that love is the result of three components — intimacy, passion and commitment. He said that the love is strongest when all three of these components are strong. He calls this “consummate love”. So whether you call it true love or consummate love, there is this idea that you must weave together several components to find a happy and joyful divine union.

In shamanic practice the four elements are seen as the basic building blocks of the spiritual universe. Because they are the building blocks, we look at how they are balanced against each other both within ourselves and in relationship. They don’t have to be perfectly balanced in equal amounts. Every individual is different, as is every relationship. I may have only a pinch of air in my individual makeup, but a boatload of it in my true love relationship.

So to begin on the quest of finding true love, I embarked on a love affair with myself. The first thing I discovered was that I could break down that love affair into four parts corresponding to the elements:

Physical Body Care: Exercise, Nutrition, Rest, Appearance (Earth element).

Emotional Body Care: Gratitude, Journaling (Water element)

Mind Care: Learning New Things, Meditation (thought mastery), Play  (Air element)

Creative/Sexual Energy Outlets: Creative pursuits, Self-Pleasure Practice (Fire element)

These create a Pyramid of self-love for me. Earth is my foundation, without it, I can’t do anything else. If my body isn’t functioning well, or if I’m sleep-deprived, then I am not going to be able to think or create, let alone be stable emotionally. Water is the next layer on top of that, I have to do the constant practice of keeping myself in a positive emotional state by releasing sadness, fear, and anger through journaling, and drawing in love, joy, and pleasure through gratitude practice. Once these parts of myself are nurtured, then my mind can be both sharp and calm at the same time. And with all right within me, I start to feel like creating and moving my sexual energy through my body.

Romantically speaking, the elements play a role in how I am relating to my partner. From my years of experience in learning about relationships, I see four main components that must be present to create a “true love” partnership:

Trust—When I have the experience of seeing a romantic partner do what they say they will do, then I begin to feel safe, and that perhaps there is a possibility of commitment. That commitment evolves into agreements and trust over time as the agreements are kept. This is the element of Earth in relationship and the foundation of true love.

Unconditional Love–When I am able to accept my partner completely as they are, I know that I am experiencing a part of true love. For me, unconditional love starts as a strong emotional connection, vulnerability and sharing about our lives. This evolves into understanding, empathy, and acceptance, then transforms into unconditional love over time. This is the element of Water in relationship, and the second step on the pyramid of true love.

Ease–When I have ease and flow with my partner, I know that I have a very important part of true love. Ease begins with shared interests, the ability to play together, and communication that is clear and compassionate. Over time this evolves into an ability to have life together unfold with effortlessness.  This is the element of Air in relationship, and the third step on the pyramid of true love.

Passion–This is the part of true love that we all seem to seek in the end. For me, it’s my ultimate goal, but I have to have the foundation of Trust, Unconditional Love, and Ease for the passion to last and feel satisfying and healthy. Passion can be confusing, because it may be present in an unhealthy relationship without the other components of true love. Usually this type of relationship collapses after a fairly short time. Passion begins as sexual attraction, and can evolve into shared creations, creating a business, a child, or a home together. This is the Element of Fire in relationship, and the pinnacle of the pyramid of true love.

When all four of these things are present in relationship, Spirit weaves them together to create true love. This is the love that poets write about, and that we see in couples walking hand in hand in the park after 30 years of happy marriage. This is a divine experience, you let Spirit take over and you surrender.

Next month we’ll talk in more detail about the foundation of the pyramid of true love: Trust.

Kypris, Shamanic Tantra Teacher holds a master’s degree in Biology, as well as a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and is an initiated HeartWisdom Tantric Priestess. She is the author of “Journey to Sexual Wholeness”.

Yabyummy is a tantric temple that provides a clear path to gain sexual wholeness through safe tantric events, and our learn at home products such as yoni massage, lingam massage and tantric massage videos. We are committed to unifying sexuality with spirituality and spirituality with sexuality for growth minded men, women and couples.